When you see people eating clumps of food utilizing sharpened sticks as levers, you may think to yourself, “that is probably the dumbest way imaginable to eat food,” but you are wrong, because Americans have actually taken superior European food consumption tools and found the least efficient way possible to use them, giving us the honors of dumbest eating technique in the world.

Americans decided long ago, that your fork and your knife should both be held in your right hand. Since this is impractical at best, you are granted a brief period of time to shift the fork from your right hand to your left to aid in cutting food into bits. Unfortunately, the laws of thermodynamics make your food cold if you cut it into little bits all at once, so Americans have to awkwardly shift the fork to the left hand, then pick up the knife with the right hand, cut two bites, put down the knife with the right hand, pass the fork back to the right hand, and then resume taking bites. Since this is such a nuisance, all Americans try their best to cut everything they can with the side of their fork, and only giving in and beginning our stupid fork-knife hand jive as a last resort.

Therefore, though, we do have the spork. Given our unique abilities to cut things with dull edges, we get three utensils in one.

The standard American plan for a successful life is to work hard to get good enough grades to be accepted into a decent university, then to stay just sober enough to get a college degree, so that you can replace your biological parents’ support and guidance with an employer’s support and guidance.

It may seem important to choose a position with an employer that matches your skills and interest, but Americans expect their employers to make all the difficult personal decisions for them, so you need to choose an employer that is going to take good care of you.

Your personal finances are crucial to your well being, and your employer will set up a retirement account for you known as a “401k”, which has some great tax benefits. Your employer will choose from hundreds of financial services companies to determine the best company to manage your account. They will work with this company to narrow down the tens of thousands of investment opportunities to the five mutual funds that make the most sense for you, so that you don’t have to think so hard about your single most important investment.

Your employer will probably decide that you should be automatically set up to contribute a few percent of your paycheck every two weeks to fund this 401k account, because studies show that many employees don’t elect to contribute on their own. And if you decide to contribute even more to you retirement, your employer-parent will reward your good behavior with an employer match. So, in effect, your allowance goes up when you make the “right” decisions.

Your health is also important to you and your employer, so in America your employer will give you two roughly equivalent health insurance options (basically you decide whether you want to pay up front, or pay up later).  The health insurance your employer chooses for you chooses for you which doctors you can visit, so it is crucial that you ensure that your future employer will make good decisions about you and your family’s health. Of course, the employer can change this coverage at any time, so it really doesn’t matter what research you do up front, since you will be at the mercy of their whim later.

Your employer knows that you might also have a family to take care of, so it will select some life insurance for you, along with some short term and long term disability insurance. Your employer knows that you need exercise, so it will probably work out a membership deal with a gym for you. Your employer knows that a you will feel better about yourself as a person, if you volunteer your time in the community, so it will either set up volunteer opportunities, or give you a few hours a month of company time to do fulfilling work.

The most important aspect to look into when choosing which company to work for, is whether or not they will pay for your next college degree, so that you can quit as soon as you have finished it and find a new and better ersatz parent.

Your first night in America need not be a frustrating ordeal brought on by the intricacies of the superior American bedding system.  If you follow along with the following diagram, you too can correctly operate one of our beds.

The first point to note is that American bedding diagrams can be fully represented in two dimensions. Because Americans do not need to have clear delineations as to which part of the bed belongs to which person, the mattress consists of one single piece. This is very convenient, unless you have a partner who enjoys snuggling, as this lack of crevice only encourages them to request fulfillment of their selfish desires.

Please note that you only use one of the many pillows to rest your head. The rest are to be thrown to the floor each night and replaced each morning. They serve no purpose, but American women insist that they are necessary.

The bed skirt is a kind of awkward piece of fabric that never stays on the bed quite right, but mostly covers up the fact that you are too cheap to buy a nice bed frame, and the headboard adds to the illusion as well.

The tricky part of using an American bed is determining in which layer of the multitudes of layers of fabric to insert your body. This is always directly on top the bottom sheet, which wraps snuggly around the mattress. There are always three or more layers of sheets, blankets, and comforters above you, because it is often difficult to stay warm at night with our amazingly effective air conditioning. If on the other hand, you put too many layers on and over compensate for the air conditioning, there is a company that will sell you a special fan to blow cool air into your sheets to keep from getting too hot.

In America, everyone can get lots of things for free. But only the annoying and cunning entitle themselves to even more free stuff. Although many loopholes exist, here we will discuss the two best known secret methods of acquiring goods from American businesses and individuals without having to spend a dime.

The first method will come naturally to any German. You must simply complain at length about any services rendered. In Germany businesses don’t give away free things to complainers, because they would quickly run out of things to sell, but savvy Americans have learned that complaining about the quality of anything you are purchasing automatically results in your getting what you want for nothing. Unfortunately it is not so simple, you must also remember the golden rule: Never, ever complain early enough that the business can correct the situation. You must always wait until it is too late to fix, then loudly and publicly demand to speak to a manager about the audacity of establishment to insult you with such inferiority. If your timing is off, you’re going to end up with a new steak cooked up for you, instead of a free steak dinner, so be sure to practice your performance often.

The second secret method requires a bit more patience, but as always, good things come to those who wait. Upon arrival in America, ask the first local you see to direct you to the nearest coffee shop with free wireless Internet access. Go immediately to this location and order the smallest size cup of coffee possible (why would you pay more for a bigger cup, when they have free refills anyway?). Now simply sit and wait until the 20 ounces of latte take effect on the guy sitting at the adjacent table. He’ll stand up and politely ask if you would be so kind as to watch his laptop while he answers nature’s call. Whammy. Free Laptop.

There is no need to be put off by our new $14 admission fee, which goes to pay for the advertising that led you to visit here in the first place, along with the extra security guards to pat you down. If you think about it, fourteen bucks is really only about ten Euros, and what can you get for that at home: 2.5 cans of Redbull at the gas station, or 1.7 gallons of gasoline, or 1.36 books making fun of Germany?  In other words, not much.

Once you do get to into America after paying the nominal fee for your backstage pass, you are going to get loads of complimentary goodies. In America we have free bathrooms, free refills, free ketchup, free chips and salsa, free dinner rolls, free fresh hot dougnuts, and free kittens.

You may think to yourself, why not just go to Canada instead. It’s a lot like America, but its welcoming committee doesn’t demand $14 for entrance.  In a word, you get what you pay for. Let’s compare:

As you can see, Canada is certainly cheaper in nominal terms, but you always have to take into account opportunity costs. Do you want to miss out on the opportunity to see Disney World, or Disney Land, or eat a 2 kilogram steak for free at the Big Texan before spray painting Cadillacs sticking out of the ground?